Thursday, March 7, 2013

Crime Prevention: How To Avoid Becoming A Victim Of Crime the Gerald Law Way

I don't know exactly why I keep picking up this sort of crap from the thrift stores but since it's very cheap and I can't control my urges and impulses, I'll keep posting them here for those of you who likewise have no life.

This is a handout--I'm assuming it is anyway--from State Rep. Gerald H. Law of Michigan's 36th District. It appears to be from the 1980s which runs concurrent with his early career in the state legislature. Of which, I believe, he is still a working cog thereof.

I don't really know much about him other than I used to see his election signs around the area and that he has a shrubby mustache. Hence, he can't be trusted. A sentiment which I've held for years and helped spread in the form of a "never trust a man with a mustache" slogan that people have now apparently turned into a t-shirt catchphrase.

My grievances aside and regardless of what I think about Mustache Law, he has a job to do and that's to save you from the boogie man. Namely thieves, rapists, perverts and their ilk. His ounce of prevention provided in this booklet is worth a pound of LOLs to me. Let's have at it.

Crouching Cracker, Hidden Zipgun

In the blue blue blue evening he comes, Sir Crackalack, in his stomping platforms to rob yo azz. What are you gonna do? Consult Gerry's appendix of course!

Auxiliary deadlocks, dead-latches, pinned windows, anti-slide blocks, slide bolts and on and on like an Erb Lumber salesman. Considering that this guy has a mustache and is a Republican the lack of gunpower as a main tool of the trade is kind of surprising. Or not.

The Man and the MAN

Best to organize in conjunction with your local police and neighbors. Just don't approach a brutha wearing a hoodie and carrying Skittles or there's gonna be trouble.

And what does the thief look like?

A 40 something year old aging drummer from an English classic rock band is what.

Bah- I found my answer on guns: "DO NOT confront a burglar with a gun or other weapon. He may retaliate with force to make his escape." Of course you shouldn't confront him you should secure your family in a safe area and then hide in the shadows and shoot the muthafucka!

Safety From Rape

As for rape, there's the standard terms of avoidance, advocacy and action included but a few tips stand out to me:

The criminal always is male and the victim always is female. Gerald Law obviously didn't know Marie C. the 6 foot tall Amazon chick from my grade school who used to beat me down and kiss me as she overpowered my scrawny ass every day after school.

Sexual intercourse by a step-father with a step-daughter is rape. Hello Woody Allen.

Never undress in front of a window. I won't turn you in bro even though you probably are a rapist in the making.

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